he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
