is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
