I can text with my tongue
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
