Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
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