its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
