I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
