my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
