You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
