i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
