Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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