idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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