Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
