So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
