I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
