I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
