I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
