dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
