i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Randomize
