If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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