So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Randomize
