This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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