Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
