i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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