if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
