My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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