The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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