i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Randomize
