I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
