i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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