i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
