mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Randomize
