Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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