The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
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