we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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