That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
