I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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