He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
