Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
