I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize