omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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