left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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