Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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