If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
