Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Randomize
