If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
