My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
