it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
It's rum buckets o'clock
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
