I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
