even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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