He uses pillows to masturbate.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Randomize
