He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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